The Results - Part II

200 Years.

I always have a lot to say, but I have purposely held off on writing another blog post -- until now. The reasons are mostly selfish and ultimately it comes down to my way of coping. Does it make sense? Probably not. I live this with this disease every minute of every day and the thought of going through my emotions to write them in a blog post is usually just too much. I would rather spend the time learning to deal and surviving. Fighting. Please, don't get me wrong: I completely believe this blog is essential for me, Aaron, our boys and each person who reads it. But, it's time for another post from moi. Why? Because it just is.

Ok, on to the news that we've all been waiting for. The news is good. Really good. The radiology report is not back quite yet, but Super Doc sees no evidence of disease in the liver and the breast tumor has dramatically shrunk. Yay and double yay!  Also, there are no new spots of cancer. Triple yay! The doctor is hopeful and grateful that the chemo did its job (so are we of course!). I have said for awhile I feel good except for all of the chemo crud going on so it feels amazing to get confirmation. The doctor said it's time for me to starting feeling better. I couldn't agree more. I will still go in every 3 weeks for antibodies -- the good guys that protect the cells from new cancer growth -- but no more Taxotere. Hooray! My hair will grow back, my fingernails/toenails will get healthy again & hopefully my eyes will stop watering very soon so I can wear contacts again. All very vain things I know. I am ready to begin our new life.

Speaking of fingernails, about 2.5 months ago when I began losing my nails I felt bad, sad & embarrassed. Aaron sat down one day and told me something that has stuck with me ever since. He said, "I think for every nail you lose, it's 10 more years." I know it's not a deep, profound statement, but it meant the world to me. It gave me hope again on a particularly hard day. I have now lost all of my nails...200 years. He is worried that he won't be able to keep up with me! I did tell him it would be my turn to take care of him.  :)

This is a new beginning for us. As sad as I am that our life will never go back to the way it was before March 5, 2013, I am ready for our new life. The journey to this point has been harder than I can truly express and I know the journey going forward will be full of ups and downs. I will not feel 100% tomorrow or even next week. It will most likely take a full year to feel like my old self again. I am looking forward to the point when I can send Aaron off to work and I can take care of our three boys all on my own. I wish I could today, but I know it will come. I have gotten really good at changing diapers on the couch, but I look forward to the day when I can sit on the ground again and not only change a diaper, but play cars & trains too!

The boys have been resilient through all of this and they amaze us every day. Cohen says the sweetest prayers each night full of deep thoughts and hope. Because he is our deep thinker, we have worried how he would take all of this...we had no reason to worry. He has adapted to this trying time and has blown us away with his strength. Jensen is our singing, dancing boy who always has something to say. He is 3 years old in every way. We are fully into the "I can do every thing on my own" stage which has its own challenges, but he is still so adorable that every tantrum is doable for us. Eli continues to be our mellow, happy baby. He is growing way too fast and I do wish I could go back to March just to see my 5-month old again. I miss him so much when he goes off to be taken care of for the day, but he always has a snuggle for me no matter how long it's been. I am so grateful.

My mother-in-law sent us this quote today and it sums up how I feel. Elder Boyd K. Packer said:

"Faith, to be faith, must center around something that is not known.  Faith, to be faith, must go beyond that for which there is confirming evidence.  Faith, to be faith, must go into the unknown.  Faith, to be faith must walk to the edge of light, and then a few steps into the darkness."

We have walked into the darkness, but have kept the faith. We have relied on both science and faith. We have tried our best to be lead in the right direction and to really listen to the Spirit to know which way to go. We feel so blessed to be where we are today. We know we have much to learn, but what we have learned to this point will only help us in the days to come. No matter what happens, we know we have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who love our little family and truly want the best for us. This life isn't easy, but we know there is a plan for us.

Our 14th anniversary is tomorrow and I am blessed that Aaron picked me. While we were in college together he had girls chasing him all across campus daily and I relished in the fact that he was holding my hand! I hope and pray that we have 200 more years together. Aaron is my rock. I love you, hottie!

~Liz~

Go Team Liz!

Dr. Howie and clan doing the happy dance for us