On Saturday Aaron & I had the chance to go out for a few hours alone (first time since last chemo day 3 wks ago) and we ended up at Dick's Sporting Goods to look for shoes for Cohen. While walking through the store we stopped at a display of women's hats and this is the conversation that followed:
Aaron: Want to try it on? Come on try it.
Me: No, that's ok.
Aaron: Come on try it...if you want.
Me: If I do, then I would have to take my hat off to try it.
Aaron: So? Go for it.
Me: Umm, ok.
I proceeded to quickly take off my hat—which exposed my baldness—and try on the other hat. I felt weird, but I did it.
Why did I feel weird? It's all about owning it which I am trying to learn to do. For the past 50 odd days I wake up facing a "new" reality that I really wish wasn't mine—or anyone's for that matter. I get asked all the time if it's becoming more real for me. Real? I guess so. The other day I was complaining/whining to Aaron about my peeling hands/feet and very sore fingertips. I was going on and on about how embarrassing it all is and he simply said, "You have to own it." I have thought and thought about what he said for the last few days. I need to own that I have cancer. I hate it. I hate that my family has to go through it. I hate that Aaron has to literally work from the wee hours of the morning until the wee hours of the night and then start all over again. We are doing all we can to make life normal for the boys, and most days I am wondering if it's enough.
I have to own it. I have to own that we are doing all we can to get through our days in the best way we can. I am buoyed up by all of the people who are supporting us from across the globe, especially through all of the thoughts and prayers. The days were very dark in the beginning and I felt like no matter where we turned there was always bad news. I am in awe of all the goodness that has come about in the last 7 weeks. I am not happy to be in this new reality, but I am trying to see the other side of it all. I know that I accepted to come to this earth knowing that life wouldn't be easy and I would face things that just didn't seem fair or right. I am grateful for the knowledge of a Heavenly Father and of our Savior, Jesus Christ, who both believe that I can fight this battle no matter the outcome. I am fighting with all my might even on the days when I can't get out of bed. I am fighting for Cohen who lovingly prays most nights for the medicine to work on Mom. And for my other guys. They need me and I need them. I am beginning to realize this is all about owning it. It's horrible physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually at times, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. I can do this. I have to own it and win.
P.S. To further push myself and even though it's super cheesy/screams " I have cancer!!", I also picked out a Livestrong t-shirt the other day at the store. Owning it.
Liz you have been given this challenge because you are so strong!!! You are a warrior and an elect daughter of God to be given such a difficult trial. You are helping me and many others fight their challenges each day. We may not be fighting a hard one like you but your faith and diligence is helping us carry on.
ReplyDeleteWe all love you and know you CAN DO THIS!!!
...what an honest & touching entry, written by a strong, resilient, beautiful woman. We love you Liz, and are so grateful to be "family" together. We are learning and growing through this experience too, as are many others. Also -- love seeing all the fun "Team Liz" banners & locations. This could be a crazy-fun-everyone-wins "contest"!
ReplyDeleteWow... Liz! You have such determination and your strength impresses and inspires me! I'm so glad you can feel the prayers from around the world and the courage to keep trekking forward. It's so very hard, but you can do it. One step at a time. I love that you are keeping your eye on that silver lining - it's so bright with your boys and Aaron around you!
ReplyDeleteOwn it girl, I know you can/are, and doing amazing!! :) Think about you ALL the time. All. The. Time. Just like the other people commented, you amaze me in so many ways. You little energizer bunny, you!!! :D
ReplyDeleteLiz, I love you!! You are one of the most amazing people I know. You are so strong and brave and you have such a wonderful family. I agree with everything that has been said by the others. That post was absolutely beautiful. Keeping you in our prayers and thoughts every second of every day.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful person Liz. I always knew you would grow up into a great, strong and wonderful woman. You have a army all around you helping you fight this battle. Like you said you can do hard things, you can do this.
ReplyDeleteLove all of the Team Liz pictures.
I loved this entry and your honest determination through all this. You're inspiring. I have always awed at people who keep going when everything tells them it's too hard. You awe me. Well done, friend. You CAN do it :)
ReplyDelete