Avoiding the Stupid Comments List

*Also see posts How not to say the wrong thing and What to say to someone with cancer.

Since we're new at this, I decided to post a friend's list of things to do when facing families battling cancer. It's good advice to avoid any entries into the list of The Stupid Things People Say. I'm sure that I am guilty of saying the wrong thing or not doing the right thing with others we know who have gone through serious illnesses. And if anyone asks you about us, about what they should say or what they could do, please forward this to them first. :)

We don't really know what to do either, but we know that we give each other strength, and we have strength in The Lord. We'll do some more tests and meet with the oncologist this afternoon, I'll post again with an update tonight.

Go Team Liz.
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1. Stay away from personal information like life insurance, savings, losing houses, moving, etc. PERIOD.
2. Never, ever bring up or even comment on someone you know who has died from a similar illness. Actually, don't bring up death at all. Ever. Bringing up inspiring survivor stories are fine, welcome and awesome to hear.
3. Never, ever judge or tell someone their decision on how to communicate with their children was wrong. They know their kids best, and I guarantee they put a lot more thought and prayer into what to say (and how) than you even give them credit for.
4. Never, ever say you "KNOW" how they feel if you've never had the same illness or actually lived with or cared for someone with it. You just don't know unless you've been there.
5. Never say nothing. The absolute worst thing you can say to someone in a crisis is nothing at all. It left me wondering if that person cared, if they valued our relationship, if I wasn't worth the time of a call or a card or a comment, and left me realizing maybe they didn't care for my family as much as I thought they did. The people who said nothing or who should have said more left a hole filled with hurt - and their absence was only noticed because I cared for them.
6. Never tell her she looks terrible or looks tired. Trust me, she feels bad already and doesn't need this kind of "support".
7. If you're afraid that you will say something stupid...read the next list.

What you CAN and SHOULD say... and the things that were said to us OFTEN that got us through it all:

1. I love you.
2. I'm so sorry.
3. Cancer sucks.
4. What can I do for you today? (... is better than saying "let me know if I can do anything")
5. Can I help with your kids?
6. Can I come get your kids so you can rest?
7. I don't know what to say... but I want you to know I care.
8. I have Wednesday afternoon open, is there anything I can do for you? (... or even better, offer exactly what you want to do, don't put the burden on her to decide for you!)
9. I'm at Sam's Club... can I pick anything up for you?
10. I pray for you everyday.
11. I added your name to the temple or prayer roll or whatever your church does to pray for people.
12. Send a random "friendship/thinking of you" card in the mail.
13. I'd love to bring you guys dinner, what night works for you? Don't live nearby? Send a gift card for dinner. It's not a home cooked meal, but it'll be a huge relief on a night they don't have the energy to cook one.
14. Sometimes a big, strong hug with no words was sufficient.
15. Eye contact from across the room with a wink or a nod - totally worked for me.
16. Can I take your kids to their activities for you?
17. For closer friends or family... diligently follow the schedule and send a text on a day they may need an extra hug (like a chemo day, or a consult day, or a day they were getting results.) Don't pry, but let them know you are there. Those are the people that usually got the first update or were the shoulders that were already there when I needed one. These are also the relationships that grew and bloomed the most during our crisis and today are my closest friends.

ABOVE ALL... Treat them like they are STILL the same person! They are the same person you've always known, just facing a new (and very difficult) challenge. They'll need you now more than ever, so stay in their life - do all you can to make sure they know you love them. Cancer is actually a great time to let a relationship bloom in new and awesome ways and don't miss out on the genuine and amazing bonding that can result. Everyone will be the better for it and you won't regret it for one minute. Cry together, laugh together, complain together and your relationship will be a subtle reminder of why they are fighting. Be the reminder to them how joyful life is - they will fight harder and be more determined because you cared. And that's the perfect truth of it all. Period.

A few of my favorite things...

One of my most favorite texts: "Will you be home at 5? I just ordered your family pizza and it'll be there at 5, I paid for it and the tip over the phone - so don't worry about it. If I lived in New Jersey, you know I would have made something and brought it myself."

My favorite "gestures" were a random drop off of a cold Diet Coke... delivering a "favorite" treat goes a very, very long way. If you don't know what their secret indulgence or favorite treat is - ask. Once you know - you'll ALWAYS have something you can do. I even had a friend mail me her Coke Rewards certificate so I could grab a free six pack. Corrine - that was seriously one of the sweetest things ever. Someone ELSE offering THEIR Coke... come on. That's insanely generous!! :)

Give thoughtful "inside" love. Anyone who read the blog regularly knew my ups and downs - what made me laugh, what made me cry. His boss bought me a stuffed animal zebra - total inside love. It was more than a gift or gesture - it was firm statement that she had been reading the blog and saw the zebra card that made me laugh so hard and wanted to keep it going. So very cool.

Care packages... wow. I think I was able to get most of them up on the blog, I know I missed pictures of a few of them though. Such a demonstration of a huge effort - to think, pick out, to buy, to package up and send. So very thoughtful, every single one was loved and appreciated. My mom's motto held true... when in doubt, send a care package. The kids also loved to get cards or little gifts.

Cards... aside from the sympathy and condolence cards - the thinking of you, the get well soon, the friendship and particularly the hilarious ones were awesome. Nothing like going to your mailbox and finding love or a little laughter inside. The last card I wanted to see is some scriptural reference to grief.

Cards, emails, texts, comments, FB messages and voice mails - this is the PERFECT way to communicate with a cancer family. It let us know you were thinking of us, that you cared... but we didn't have to talk or pick up or could wait until we were up for responding. Sometimes we just needed to know people were there - these were also things we saved and could re-read or browse through when we needed a pick-me-up or a reminder that we were loved and cared for.